Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.